Aborted Instant Beer Review: Why In The Hell Am I At This Place?

OH MY GOD, WHERE ARE YOU? You know exactly where I am.

BUT WHY? WHY?! I needed things, and I mistimed the bus schedule. Plus, it’s kind of hilarious.

ARE YOU WILLING TO SAY OUT LOUD WHERE YOU ARE CURRENTLY SITTING? Sure.

OKAY? I’m at the (gulp) East Side Chili’s.

HOLY FUCK BALLS, YOU ACTUALLY WROTE THAT OUT LOUD!! Well, I typed it, and it wasn’t loud at all. In fact, the key pad on my sweet iPhone is currently on what one would call ‘silent.’ So it doesn’t make any ‘noise.’ Because it’s an ‘iPhone.’ And it’s ‘sweet.’

YOU SMUG FUCK. Well?

HOW’S THE CLIENTELE? As depressing as you’d imagine. There is a very interesting first date occurring to my left.

A FIRST DATE AT CHILI’S? And they’re not troglodytes.

THE ATMOSPHERE? Um, have you ever been to a Chili’s?

DUH. Well, it’s like that. The restaurant’s interior hasn’t changed. Ever.

ARE YOU ACTUALLY GOING TO GET AROUND TO A BEER REVIEW? Guess what I’m drinking.

NO. Yes.

AT A CHILI’S? SPOTTED COW. Nope.

MILLER LITE! Gag me.

BUD LIGHT? Please.

BUD LIGHT LIME? *throws up a little*

SOMETHING INVOLVING LEINE’S! Oh dear Christ. I’m drinking a Sam Adams Boston Lager.

OH. THAT’S NOT TOO BAD. No, I quite enjoy Sam Adams, as a matter of fact. It is a good, mildly hoppy Vienna style lager, which I find light-bodied and refreshing, and it still tastes like beer, as opposed to a large portion of other assorted craft-brewed-on-a-large-scale lagers.

PRICE TAG? It’s on ‘special’ for $5.25.

DO YOU WANT TO GO INTO ANY MORE DETAIL? Not especially. I’m too distracted by the guy down the bar going on and on about ‘Camo Condoms.’ From what I can gather, he recently bought into/began/started working with the company? Evidently, there are two styles: one he calls “protection while you’re in the bush” and the other is “don’t let them see you coming.” Very clever, wouldn’t you say? With the double entendres and whatnot?

ARE YOU FOR REAL? I’m far from clever enough to make this shit up.

PRETTY WITTY… Yeah. The guy is pretty proud of himself. He’s made sure a dozen times that the bartender and I ‘get it.’ I assured him I did.

DEEP THOUGHTS? I’ve gotta go now and never return to this awful place ever again?

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. I shall, Voice Inside My Head! *high-tails it*