Here are some delightful gems from my Friday dealings with the public…
MAN: Is that an Oklahoma accent I’m detecting?
ME: My accent?
MAN: Yeah. Where are you from?
ME: I grew up in the Chicago-area. Did you just call me an Okie?
MAN: Is that offensive?
ME: Only if you’re from Texas, I’m told. And I’m not that easily offended. I’ll go and grab that side of mayonnaise.
ME: (begrudgingly making four bloody marys) God, I’m sick of making bloody marys.
BLACK LANTERN: (seated at the bar) Those are the most petulantly-concocted bloody marys I have ever seen.
ME: Do you think my disdain will read on the taste buds of the recipients of these beverages?
BLACK LANTERN: Sadly, it is doubtful.
ME: And what would you like as your side?
LADY: What are my options?
ME: French fries or a side salad.
LADY: What about soup?
ME: We can definitely do that, but it’ll be an up-charge of $2.00.
LADY: But it says on the menu that soup is $2.95.
ME: That’s true, if you’d like it a la carte, but if you’d like to substitute it as the side for your sandwich, it’ll be $2.00.
LADY: Why’s it more expensive?
ME: Um. Well, you’re saving a buck if you’d like have soup as your side with the sandwich rather than in addition to everything else. The cost of the French fries or the salad are factored into the price of the meal, but if you’d like soup instead, it’ll be an additional $2.00 versus $2.95.
LADY: What if I want a side AND the soup?
ME: Then the soup will be $2.95, plus the price of the meal.
LADY: So, I’m getting charged either way?
ME: Yes, but if you’re having the soup as your side, you’ll be saving a dollar.
LADY: And what are the free sides again?
ME: The two options that are no additional cost to you would be French fries or a side salad.
LADY: What are fish fries?
WOMAN ON THE PHONE: Do y’all have chicken tenders?
ME: Yup, on the children’s menu.
WOTP: So, you have chicken tenders?
WOTP: How far are you from the Hilton?
ME: (knowing exactly where the Hilton is) About four or five blocks.
WOTP: Okay. And how far are you from the Hyatt?
ME: (having no idea where the Hyatt is) About three or four blocks.