Actual Customer Interactions: The Iron Douche

(A group of four Madison Iron Man participants sits down at the bar on Monday…)

IRON MAN PARTICIPANT #1: Okay, I want you to be honest with me, barkeep. I’m looking for brutal honesty. Okay?

ME: Sure.

IMP#1: How are your bloody marys?

ME: Shitty.

(Pause.)

IMP#1: Really?

ME: In my opinion. I hate our bloody marys. I think they taste like runny cocktail sauce, and they have these icky horseradishy chunks floating in them that remind me of chewing on leftover vomit after you barf.

(Stunned silence.)

ME: But that’s just me.

(Still no response.)

ME: You wanted brutal honesty. I think they’re crappy. Would you like me to grab you all some drink menus? Look at a beer list?

(Pause.)

IMP#1: Well, I’m going to try one.

ME: A bloody mary?

IMP#1: Yeah, I’ll give it a go.

IMP#2: Me too.

IMP#3: Make it three.

IMP#4: I’ll have one as well. But make it virgin.

ME: Okay. Have you four decided what you’d like to eat?

IMP#4: Oh, and sir?

ME: Yes?

IMP#4: I’d also like a decaf cappuccino. With soy milk.

ME: Sorry, we don’t have soy milk.

IMP#4: Skim? Skim will be fine.

ME: A decaf skim cappuccino and four bloodies, coming right up.

IMP#4: Remember, mine’s a virgin!

ME: I bet.

IMP#2: And make sure I get Spotted Cow as a chaser with my bloody, please!

IMP#1: Oh! Me too. (Looking to IMP#3) Mary, you need to try one also. There’s seriously nothing better than Spotted Cow! It is such a perfect pale ale.

(Spotted Cow is not a pale ale.)

IMP#3: Might as well make it three.

ME: I’ll have that all ready for you in just a minute.