Actual Customer Interactions: Three Scenes

‘Coco’ is one of my newest regulars. She lives around the corner at the YWCA.

COCO: (screaming down the bar) Hey, Zach! Zach!

ME: My name’s Peter. Remember?

COCO: Oh, I’m sorry, baby boy. Peter, darling, I’m wondering if you could do me a favor.

ME: Anything you need.

COCO: Can you start me a tab?

ME: Sure.

COCO: But can you run me a tab until the end of the month? I ain’t gonna have no money till then.

ME: I love you, dear, but I’m gonna have to give you a firm ‘no’ on that one.

COCO: I figured, but it doesn’t hurt to ask! (spills loose change all along the bar top, begins sorting it) I’ll have one of them dollar seventy-five beers.

ME: One Blatz, coming right up.

__________

LADY: I’ll have a burger and fries.

ME: Sounds good. Anything to drink?

LADY: I’d like a Caffeine-Free Diet Mountain Dew.

ME: Does such a thing even exist?!

LADY: Yes.

ME: With all due respect, have you ever been to a place that actually has Caffeine-Free Diet Mountain Dew?

LADY: No.

ME: Well, I’m sorry to say it, but you’ll have to add us to that list. How about a Diet Sprite?

LADY: I’ll just stick with water.

__________

WEIRD GIRL: I’ll have my usual.

ME: A water?

WEIRD GIRL: Duh. I come in here like every day.

ME: I just wasn’t aware that a glass of water–which you don’t pay for–could be considered a ‘usual.’ Did you need anything else?

WEIRD GIRL: Do I ever get anything else?

ME: Nope, but I was hoping that maybe today would be the day when you’d sit at my bar and actually purchase something.

WEIRD GIRL: (slapping a dollar bill on the bar) Will this get you to shut up?

ME: I can’t be bought that easily. You should probably finish up that free water and think about never coming back here ever again.

WEIRD GIRL: Fuck you.

ME: Have a great day.