Booze News: Ludicrous Gimmickry, thy Name is Miller Fortune

From the marketing masterminds who brought you Crystal Pepsi, OK Soda, and the XFL… it’s Miller Fortune! The beer that thinks it’s a cocktail! No, seriously, that’s the schtick: classy black bottle, slightly higher ABV, and they want you to serve it in a rocks glass. Brilliant. From Bloomberg:

Miller Fortune is the most overt expression yet of the $30 billion beer industry’s preoccupation with spirits makers that have relentlessly siphoned off young drinkers, taking 6 percentage points of market share from suds since 1999.

“We asked, ’How would Jack Daniels or Maker’s Mark do a beer and why?’” said David Kroll, who was brought to MillerCoors from Dyson in 2012 to shake things up as its head of innovation. “We tortured every aspect to say, ‘Are we falling back on what beer would do?’ Because this brand is intended to play in a spirits occasion.”

Just reread that last sentence; it’s a damned marvel of marketing gobbledygook. (Try that as a pickup line at a bar sometime. “This brand [gesture towards crotch] is intended to play in a you occasion.” The inevitability of pepper spray will be your reward.) But what about the taste?

Fortune is a golden lager brewed in part with Cascade hops to give it a citrusy bite and caramel malt to impart an amber hue… Developed with guys aged 21 to 27 in mind, the flavor is moderately bitter with hints of sweetness, resting somewhere between a craft beer and a light lager.

Note also that the packaging is meant to “evokes a guy in a tapered, athletic-cut suit.” So if you yourself are wearing a tapered, athletic-cut suit, you get to use the bottle as a small version of yourself, I guess? Like a ventriloquist’s doll?

So I get to pretend that I’m drinking a cocktail, but it’s actually a beer that barely even has any flavor? Got it. When you want the kind of drink that says, “Hey, I’m a douchebag, but a douchebag that can’t yet handle a grown-up drink.” This is the Axe Body Spray of beer.