Drinking in the Funny Pages: But He Never Leaves the Damn Pub

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True story: I once called a cab and in my drunken haze could only vaguely request transit to “downtown.” The dispatcher took it in stride. “Is this Doug? We’ll just take you to [my favorite bar].”

Point being, I myself have no need for a “If found, return to the pub” tag. So I’m a more efficient drunk than never-ending cautionary example Andy Capp. I choose to take pride in this, for all the wrong reasons.