I enjoy a fine craft cocktail as much as the next drunk, but the recent trend of mixologist-worship can be a bit much. After all, your average bartender generally has an embarrassment of alcoholic riches to work with when concocting adventurous beverages. That’s hardly the true test of creativity. What about the times you find yourself in a hotel room, dorm room, or stranger’s kitchen, scrambling to create something that you and your chums can keep down?
I recently found myself in a hotel room mixing strange things in coffee cups, and pondering the odd emergency cocktails I’ve made over the years. I hereby offer five of them for posterity. All of these were actually made and consumed at one time of another. Sometimes repeatedly, if you can believe it.
The Classy Freshman: Take one can of Fresca. Drink half. Carefully pour in a few slugs of cheap gin. Swirl and enjoy.
The Bloody Meh: Combine one small can of V8, one shot of vodka, and one packet of Taco Bell Fire Sauce in a coffee cup. There is no garnish.
The Sad Party: In a pitcher, mix several cans of Busch with cranberry juice to taste. Throw away almost immediately.
The Division Retreat: Fill a Styrofoam coffee cup with ice. Add a copious amount of Bulleit bourbon, three dashes of Bittermens Hopped Grapefruit Bitters that you’ve cleverly remembered to pack in your luggage, and top with 7-Up from a vending machine in the lobby.
The Fizzy Disappointment: In a pint glass, combine Mr. Pibb with Absolut Vodka. It must be Mr. Pibb. Dr. Pepper is not an acceptable substitute. As Mr. Pibb does not actually exist any longer (having been renamed “Pibb Xtra” for no discernible reason), this drink cannot be made. Whoops.