Hide Your Drinking Problem In Summer Style!

Holy shit, you guys. I’m sitting out on my balcony right now. It’s sunny out, and I am wearing nothing…but a t-shirt and shorts. Also, I can clearly hear a domestic dispute across the way through open apartment windows in which the girl is royally pissed off because she just discovered the dude she’s been banging has been banging another girl on the side. There might be acquired venereal diseases involved in the rage. It is difficult to make out what they’re saying, depending on the volume at which the two are screaming at one another. Either way, the guy sounds like a total dickbag.


Anyhow. What I was starting to get at before I was distracted from eavesdropping on a juicy lover’s quarrel was that summer might have finally arrived in Wisconsin. Which means us Wisconsin soaks can resume doing what we do best: drinking heavily outside. Unfortunately, Madison’s Finest aren’t too keen on open intoxicants outside of designated areas, so I went to the trouble of digging up some ¬†fun summer flasks with which to hide your drinking problem.

1. Red Party Cup Flask


The staple of any outdoor gathering, the red plastic party cup is versatile in its alcohol camouflage abilities and mandatory at any house party. Take your alcoholism one step further with straight booze to the dome in this handy flask.

Available at Spencer’s Online.

2. Sunscreen Tube Flask


A brilliant method of liquor transportation: in a tube of sunscreen lotion. Nailed it.

Available at Smuggle Your Booze.

3. Tampon Flask


Whelp, ladies, you’ve pretty much got carte blanche with this one. Nobody’s gonna go near a tampon. (Spoiler alert: These flasks are not to be used like a real tampon)

Available through Amazon.