Instant Beer Review: Bell’s Hopslam


WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN, SIR? I kind of took January off.

WE NOTICED. Really? Did you?

NOT REALLY. NO ONE REALLY FOLLOWS THIS BLOG ANYWAY. You’re probably right, but you didn’t need to say so. It’s hurtful.

IT’S GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK? You can stop now.

WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING? Hopslam from Bell’s Brewing.

OH? This is one of those beers that releases annually–

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID. Okay. Good one. Sort of. Actually, no it wasn’t. What I was going to say is I look forward to this beer every year. It is near-perfection in a glass.

DESCRIPTION? Well, it’s a very drinkable double IPA that balances its six hop varietals effortlessly, without compromising any flavor. The bright amber color is inviting, successfully disguising the drinker from how retarded this beer will make him/her.

ABV? 10%. Brace yourself. Two of these will put you in the hole, son.

WHERE’S IT AVAILABLE? Hopslam is a limited winter release, so you’ll have to keep your eyes and ears peeled. I am enjoying mine at the Tipsy Cow, currently. I do believe one could snag one on draft at Alchemy, as well, although supplies are limited.

PRICE TAG? I didn’t ask, and I don’t care. Neither should you. I’ll know when I get my check, but by then I’ll forget to include it in this post.

BECAUSE YOU’LL BE BLACKED OUT?! The beer’s not that strong. Jeez.

ANY FURTHER ENDORSEMENT? In addition to myself, each and every one of the other seven people drinking at the bar currently have Hopslams in front of them. (Never mind that they’re nearly all service industry folks.) What does that tell you?

IT’S GOOD? Precisely. You’re learning, Voice Inside My Head.

DEEP THOUGHTS? Aside from fantasizing about cock punching the three suits behind me for drinking Bloody Marys with Spotted Cow chasers at this time of day? Nah.

NOTHING? NO DEEP THOUGHTS? Well, I am kind of perplexed as to why the word appears as ‘Hopslam’ as opposed to the two words ‘Hop Slam.’

YOU SHOULD PROBABLY KEEP THOSE THOUGHTS TO YOURSELF. Goddammit, I told you. Do not provoke me.