Instant Beer Review: Guinness Irish Stout

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HOW DO YOU DO? I am well, thank you for asking.

AND WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING IN YOUR FACE TODAY? This beautiful spring afternoon finds me with a pint of Guinness Irish Stout in me wee hands.

YOUR WEE HANDS AREN’T THAT WEE. Well, shucks. You’re a peach.

GUINNESS, HUH? I know, it’s not a terribly adventurous beverage selection, but I’m not in a terribly adventurous mood. And every now and then, I like coming to the Brocach (pronounced BRO-cah) for a pint–it brings back fond memories of when I was traipsing around, making bad decisions in Ireland last year.

HOW SWEET. WHAT DOES ‘BROCACH’ MEAN, ANYHOW? Actually, it’s Gaelic for ‘badger den.’

FITTING, CONSIDERING THE PUB IS LOCATED IN THE BADGER STATE. Yup. You see what they did there?

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT GUINNESS? I like Guinness. There’s a reason why it is on draught virtually everywhere in the frickin’ world: because it’s really good.

YEAH, IF YOU LIKE EATING YOUR BEER WITH A SPOON. Actually, despite its dark color and the thick, creamy texture the nitrogen lends to the beer, Guinness is actually lighter in calories than a lot of commercial ales and lagers. For realz.

Guinness also contains small quantities of iron, calcium, phosphates, some vitamins (including vitamin B) and fiber, according to Guinness Master Brewer, Fergal Murray.

FINE, BUT IT WILL GET YOU PRETTY PISSED. Sorry, but you’re wrong again, Voice Inside My Head. Guinness clocks in at a mere 4.0-4.4% ABV, which is comparable to Budweiser or Miller High Life.

SO, IT’S, LIKE, THE BEST SESSION BEER KNOWN TO MAN. That’s what I’m sprayin.’

WHAT ELSE? There’s a Cambridge man sitting down the bar from me who just informed me that the Guinness brewery produces six million pints of beer a day.

IMPRESSIVE. GO IRELAND. DEEP THOUGHTS? I think Guinness is great. I do. However, I won’t generally go out of my way to order one unless I find myself in the occasional Irish pub or back in Ireland. With all of the other exciting options on the craft beer market these days, I will always make a point of trying to select something I’ve never had before, but every now and then, a feckin’ pint of Guinness is a sure cure for what ails you. Or something like that.