Instant Beer Review: Yuengling Traditional Lager

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GREETINGS. And salutations.

NICE SUN TAN. YOU’RE LOOKING CRISPY, DOGG. It looks much angrier than it feels. Let’s just say I was not very liberal with the sunscreen this weekend.

WHERE ARE YOU? I’m currently sitting at the Beaches Bar in the Ft. Myers International Airport, awaiting my flight home to Milwaukee. My brother got hitched this weekend. It was intense.

BUT YOU SURVIVED. I did indeed. By the hair of my chinny-chin-chin. It was a lovely weekend.

HOW’S THE LADY TO YOUR RIGHT HOLDING UP? She’s been sitting at this bar for the last few hours, according to her. She is bombed. Completely annihilated. I’ll put it this way: she will require an aisle seat when she finally gets on her plane. For urination purposes, if not an easy path to the restroom in the event of chunks rising.

WHAT ARE YOU SIPPING ON? A Yuengling Traditional Lager. It’s kind of the PBR of the East Coast. Evidently, Yuengling is “America’s oldest brewery.”

CLAIM TO FAME. Yup. I drank literal gallons of this stuff over the last five days. Like, stupid quantities. I should probably be dead, but, since I’m still breathing, I figured one more couldn’t hurt.

WHAT’S IT LIKE? It’s a light-to-medium-bodied amber lager. To quote the website:

famous for its rich amber color and medium-bodied flavor – with roasted caramel malt for a subtle sweetness and a combination of cluster and cascade hops, this true original delivers a well-balanced taste with very distinct character.

THAT DESCRIPTION WAS SUCCINCT AND TO THE POINT. Wasn’t it though?

WHAT DO YOU THINK? Well, I’ve been drinking it all weekend, so it ain’t bad.

YOU WILL, ON OCCASION, PARTAKE IN SOME QUESTIONABLE BEVERAGE CHOICES. That is true. This one is good for the price point, however, I’ll tell you what. It’s a solid lawnmower beer that actually has some nice body and flavor. A nice alternative to Old Style or Miller. Unfortunately, Yuengling Traditional Lager (or any of Yuengling’s beers, for that matter) is not distributed in the Midwest, so this is the last of it for me for a while. And a good thing too. I think I consumed a year’s worth last Thursday night alone.

ABV? 4.4%, so you can crush through a grip of them in an evening and still find your way back to the hotel without having to take a power nap under a banyan tree.

COST? Well, this one in particular’s gonna run me damn-near $10 on account of me sitting in an airport bar, but one can find a case in the store for hella cheap. I picked up several 24-packs of 12 oz. cans at a nearby Publix for $22 apiece. Bam.

CLOSING REMARKS? Yuengling, it’s been real. Thanks for getting me entirely too blotto for my own good. Now, I’ve gotta hop on a plane back to Icksville. See you in hell, you Pennsylvania beer you.