Instant Booze Review: Old St. Nick’s Egg Nog


WHAT THE CRAP IS THAT? It’s nog! Sweet, glorious, soul-healing nog!

ON A NOG KICK, ARE YOU? It’s the most wonderful time of the goddamn year, ain’t it? That makes it nog season. A December without nog is like a dog without an anus to lick.

JESUS, STOP. Sorry. I’ve been drinking.

WHATEVER. SO THIS IS EGG NOG, OBVIOUSLY. It is, but it could be a different nog. Any number of nogs. The varieties outnumber the grains of sand, you know.

SHUT UP. WHAT IS IT? It’s Old St. Nick’s Egg Nog, presumably stolen from the bishop of Turkey himself.

DOES IT COME PRE-BOOZIFIED? Why yes. It’s made with “premium imported rum” and comes in at 25 proof. (That’s 12.5% ABV, of course.) Nothing but the finest.

IS IT ANY GOOD? Well, let’s stipulate that egg nog itself is generally not that great to begin with. It’s one of those seasonal things that you consume due to tradition, like fruitcake or that weird casserole that your aunt makes once a year. So if we can agree to judge this nog on a sliding scale, I can say with utter certainty that it’s not bad.

THERE’S A RAVE REVIEW. What can I say? It starts with a decent, traditional nog flavor with strong nutmeg, transitions into a rather bitter alcohol burn, and then finishes with an intense sweetness that has you looking around for an insulin shot.

SOUNDS APPEALING. HOW MUCH DID YOU DRINK? Oh, a good half a glass. Maybe.

AND THAT CONSTITUTES A “NOT BAD” EGG NOG? Yup. And I’m good for another calendar year, thank you very much. I’ll make do with one of the other nog varieties.