“Are we still on for seeing The Avengers tonight, Ricardos?” I asked the other morning.
“We are unless you plan on blue donging* us big time, Ricardos,” replied Ricardos.
“No blue donging will occur, Ricardos. You have my word!”
Later that same evening, I hopped into an Acura, and we were off to meet destiny in the form of superheroes saving the planet from extraterrestrial super-villains.
I have been waiting to see The Avengers for probably the last four years. I’m a huge comic book movie dork. Literally, my first thought upon hearing that Marvel was planning on producing an Avengers motion picture was, ‘God damn it, I hope the world doesn’t end before I get a chance to see that movie.’ Mercifully, the earth is still spinning, and humankind is still around, despite the best efforts of the GOP.
“You bet we do,” responded F-Bomb (who is now engaged to be married to Ricardos). “I’ve gotta get me some purse tacos to sneak into the theater.”
“Naturally,” I said. “Should we get something for Mr. and Mrs. Lantern?”
“We’ve only got so much room in that purse, Ricardos,” answered Ricardos.
At the Taco Bell drive thru window, F-Bomb put on her game face and went for it. “We’ll have ten Doritos Locos tacos,” she told the man taking our order. “I’d also like a quesadilla and a cheesy burrito.”
“Would you like those tacos regular or supreme?” asked the Taco Bell employee.
F-Bomb thought it over and decided, “Let’s fancy things up and make them supreme.”
“Whoa!” said me and Ricardos as the two gigantic bags of food were produced moments later.
This was a lot of food to sneak into a movie theater, but the F-Bomb managed to shove all twenty pounds of it effortlessly into her suitcase-size Coach purse. I was in charge of valiantly smuggling in the small bottle of Jameson, which was a considerably less-risky endeavor.
We met Black Lantern and his bride outside of the theater, purchased our tickets, and went on to decimate the concessions counter. Once we were adequately supplied with junk food and over-priced sodas, the five of us made our way to the back row of the theater so that we might enjoy our smuggled goods with little unwanted interference. No one wants to be booted out of the movies by the pimply, 19-year-old theater manager, after all.
“Are we ready for purse tacos or what?” asked F-Bomb as we settled into our seats.
“Yes, please!” cried Mrs. Lantern.
“I forgot to buy some Reese’s Pieces!” I lamented aloud.
“Just eat your purse tacos, drink your Jameson, and be content,” shushed Black Lantern, pouring Old Thompson into his vat of Diet Pepsi as the film began.
I don’t really need to waste words describing how awesome the movie was. But it was awesome. Like, supremely fun. As skeptical as I was, Joss Whedon and company pulled off a near-perfect summer superhero blockbuster. I was evidently cackling with such euphoric glee throughout the movie that Mrs. Lantern suspected that the stranger seated to her right may or may not have assumed that I had ‘special needs’ based on the looks he would occasionally shoot in my direction.
(For the record: I’m totally comfortable with being mistook for a person of special needs when it comes to enjoying awesome superhero movies. And it is quite possible the The Avengers did, in fact, melt my brain to a certain degree. Perhaps the studio should consider the disclaimer, Please be advised that the viewing of this motion picture may lead to short term or prolonged mental retardation due to its totally radical nature?)
If you have not seen the flick yet, do yourself a favor, and stay through until the end of the final credits for two little bonus scenes.
“That just blew my mind!” exclaimed Ricardos upon seeing the first of the scenes, which nicely sets up a future Avengers film by introducing a potential villain for the sequel.
“Who the fuck was that, Ricardos?!” I exclaimed back, clearly missing something.
“Uh, Ricardos, that was [SPOILER]!”
“That doesn’t ring a bell.”
“Look it up, Ricardos,” said Ricardos. “My mind is too blown to describe it to you right now.”
“Can I have a high five?”
“Nailed it! Come on, everybody, let’s go!”
Image courtesy of Marvel.com
* Once upon a time, Ricardos and I were supposed to see Watchmen together, but due to reasons I can’t recall, I ended up seeing the movie without him. One of the focal points of the movie is Dr. Manhattan’s huge, blue penis, and thusly, any time I have flaked out on something, it has subsequently been referred to by Ricardos as getting ‘blue donged.’ There you have it.